The Choice

We were eating dinner when my ten year old daughter asked the question: “What’s abortion?”

It hung in the air – over the dinner table – waiting for an answer. How do you explain something so horrific?  “It’s when they take a baby out of a Mommy’s tummy before it can live on its own…and let it die.”

She couldn’t understand, why people would make a Mommy take a baby out of her tummy before it was ready to be born.

I tried to sound gracious; but there isn’t a gracious way to truthfully explain abortion.  Both my children were unable to understand what they were hearing. I quietly, stated it in a term they could understand:   “It’s murder.” 

My husband explained that some people don’t believe a baby is a baby until it can live outside of the mommy’s tummy on its own.  That some people say that it is just a mass of cells until it is born. That some people feel that if a mom doesn’t want it in her tummy – it’s in her body and she has the right to take it out. He explained that some moms choose to have an abortion because they find out that something is wrong with their baby. 

Anna’s response was short but profound, “But that’s selfish.”

It’s true, if you tell a lie long enough and loud enough, people will believe it.  But history has proven that one of deception’s greatest enemies is time.  Time has a way of revealing truth.  Truth exposes liars for who they are.  Time revealed Hitler’s wicked heart -- the blood of thousands cries from the grave begging for justice.  God Himself will avenge their deaths – justice will be served.  History will repeat itself, abortion will have its day of reckoning.

My son’s emotions rose within him and his words spilled out, “That’s stupid – no, that’s way beyond stupid!  How many babies does this happens to?”    I told him a lot, but his autistic mind wanted a number.  So, Rob pulled out his phone and googled the question.

The awful statistics came up:  in America alone, three thousand babies’ hearts are made to stop beating – every single day! Let that number sink in – 3,000. 

Zak’s mind was starting to connect the dots, “Like with me – and autism?   So, some people would find out that their baby has autism and would just kill it?”

I explained that things like autism can’t be seen in the tests they do before birth; but genetic issues like Down syndrome or birth defects would show up before a baby was born.

“Do I have that…Down syndrome?”  His fork has stopped midair.

“No,” I thought, but didn’t say, “you have Autism, Tourette’s syndrome, Cognitive and Developmental delays, Chronic hypertension – caused, most likely, from Fetal alcohol syndrome which has also caused the hearing loss that necessitates your two hearing aids.”  

I looked into his eyes, and answered truthfully, “No, you don’t have Down syndrome.”

“I have lots of issues…why wasn’t I aborted?” I marveled at his deductive reasoning. 

My words came out with conviction, “Because your biological mom made the choice - to let you be born!”

For a moment, I thought of all the children that will never be.  All the laughter that will never be heard.  All the beauty that will never be enjoyed.  This ‘way beyond stupid’ thing called abortion has changed life more than we realize.   

Each year, around the world, over fifty million babies’ hearts are made to stop beating – and while their lives are tragically gone, we rarely contemplate that our lives suffer because of it.  So many wonderful things that could be added to life, and family, and community are just - gone.  Life goes on without realizing how much - or how many - are missing. 

The four of us began clearing off the table - adoption has made us a family.  Both of them were “unplanned” and had mothers who had to make a choice.  They chose life.  

Every single day their choice makes my world more colorful, more beautiful, and more wonderful! I will forever be grateful they chose life – and in turn added richly to mine. 

Zak's Next Chapter

Zak's Adoption Day

I have a feeling that all parents who have a special needs child feel the balancing act that comes with trying new things to take their child to the next level and accepting that there child will never be ‘normal’ (whatever that is).  I’ve read as many books as I could get my hands on about autism; and I have tried many things.   

Through the years there was one thing I always wanted to try – I wanted to send my son to a school that would meet his special needs -  and build his faith in God. 

I had grown up hearing about Pastor Vaughn and his wife and daughter who were badly burned in a house fire.  I was seven when I heard about the little girl who had been burned so badly.  I had prayed for her – and for her mother.  I had thought about how horrible it would be to suffer so badly.  Through the years, I had heard about how she had miraculously recovered and how her Dad had started a Christian school for children with special needs.  

When Zak was diagnosed with Autism I went on their website and looked at the school way down in South Carolina; and I wished so badly that we lived closer so that Zak could go to that school.  Then I realized that even if we lived closer – there was no way we could afford to send him to a school like that.  I can’t count how many times in the past ten years I have pulled up Hidden Treasure Christian School’s website and dreamed about how wonderful it would be if Zak could go there; only to exit out of the site knowing there was no way it could ever happen. 

The first time my husband and I walked through the school I had to keep the tears in.  To be standing on the property of the school I had longed for so many times was overwhelming.  Watching as the teachers worked with the children I knew that this school would be so wonderful for Zak.   While we were touring campus I came across a quote made by the founder of the school.  I knew as soon as I read it that God was going to somehow move us to Greenville and was going to have Zak go to the school. 

“Every child has everything he/she needs to do the will of God for their lives.”

As soon as I read that quote I burst out into tears.  The quote touched me deeply; because there have been so many times in the past ten years I had wished for the autism to be gone and Zak to be normal.  Through the Holy Spirit’s guiding I have realized that Zaks’ autism and all his other diagnosis’ are not mistakes - they are part of God’s sovereign plan for his life and for ours. 

August 2016

Zak has everything he needs to do the will of God for his life. 

Zak started school there two weeks ago.  As we walked through the school for the open house, I fought back tears. I was reminded again the significance of Zak’s name.  Zechariah means: God Remembers.    

Indeed, He does!  

On the Day He was Born

On the day he was born - I had no idea that he would become part of our family in a little more than a year.

I have tried, in vain, to try to piece together where I was and what I was doing on the day he was born.  I was busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, teaching kids, perhaps practicing piano or writing; and at the very same time miles away from where I lived a little baby boy (my son) was taking his first breath.  A little boy that would change my life - started his life without me.

How much did he weigh?  What was his apgar score? 
Was he born in a hospital or at home?
Seconds after he was born did he cry loudly or softly?  Did he cry at all?
Did someone hold him in their arms?  Was anyone awestruck when looking at his little face and hands that life is precious and beautiful?
Did he feel loved and cherished or alone and helpless?

All these questions will remain unanswered on this earth.

I don't know all the little details surrounding the moments and hours after he took his first breath; but I know that God was there.  God heard his first cries and was mesmerized by this one so little and tiny; because God had a plan for his life.  The all loving God of the universe watched him as he slept and loved him.  I have no doubt in my mind that God's protection surrounded him as a baby; and while I was just going through the everyday routine of my day - God was keeping him safe for me, and preparing my heart for him. 

I was so fearful when we started the adoption process that we would "end up" with a child that had debilitating issues because of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  It was the one reason I was afraid to adopt.  I begged God to make sure He protected us from getting a child with FAS.  If there was one reason I would have not adopted it would have been that reason.  I was also terrified of autism.  I told God that I would trust that He would make sure that we did not have a child with autism.   

I have learned that God does not keep us away from the things that scare us - He delivers us from our fears.

Zak has Autism, and FAS, and TS, and Celiac Disease - and perhaps the list will grow.  I am not as afraid of those words as I was thirteen years ago.    Sometimes, the uncertainty that comes with those words still scares me; but those words are teaching me just how big my God is.  He has the power to cure autism and spare growing brains from the effects of alcohol; but sometimes He chooses to do something even bigger -  He chooses to let us see that He is more powerful than these disabilities.

 I have learned about my God through Zak's disabilities. 

On the day Zak was born - God was preparing a beautiful gift for me.  I have learned about faith through Zak.  I have been given a beautiful gift from God in this boy.  His eyelashes are still long and beautiful.  I love his smile and when he laughs it envelops the entire house.  But most of all, Zak is a boy who is in love with his God.  He talks about Him all the time - and there is nothing God cannot do.  I have watched Zak depend upon God to meet his needs and been challenged by his faith. 

God delights to deliver us from our fears; not always by removing us or keeping us from the things that scare us; but by pouring out grace upon us as we live in dependence on God in the midst of our fears.  

This week we celebrate his birthday - I cannot believe we have entered the teen years already!   Happy Birthday, Zak.  I am so glad God put you in our family!  You are, without a doubt, God's gift to me.  I love you! 

The 12 Lessons I Have Learned from Autism

From the day we got married we had talked about wanting to adopt.  The time had finally come we had received our license as foster parents.    We were so excited when we got the call that they had a little boy to place into our home.  He was placed in our home as a foster child with the hope that we would be able to adopt him eventually.

Zak had only been in our home for a few days when it became obvious that there were some serious issues- a lot of serious issues.   We also were in madly in love with this little guy.  His laugh was contagious; and his eyelashes were the most beautiful eyelashes I had ever seen.  The day to day life became hard; the nights were terribly long and filled with many tears (his and mine).    

 We picked up Zak from the receiving home and drove right to our pediatrician’s office.  I had no idea on the day we brought him home just how much of my days would be filled with doctor’s visits and specialist evaluations.  There were countless sleepless nights and we found out that babies can cry for an entire night; minute after minute – hour after hour!  Then there was the day time hours filled with rocking on the couch.  The repetitive noises replaced the music in our house and Zak’s days were spent  lining up one matchbox car after another.  Family meal times were filled with texture issues and more odd noises.   Evening bath-time (that used to be a happy time of bubbles and playing before Zak came) turned into a full - fledged screaming session that made me wonder what in the world the neighbors would think if they heard him – and they HAD to have been able to hear him.  It was horrible.    

Then, we got the diagnosis.  It was the first of many - AUTISM.  When I left the neurologist office I was speechless at what he had said.  He had given me the diagnosis; and then informed me that children like Zak are a lot of work.  A LOT!  He recommended that we give him back to the state.  He reasoned that he was ONLY a foster care child – and not ours.  (Did I mention before that we had fallen in love with this little guy?)  Sending him back was out of the question.  (Well, in full dis-closer here – there have been times when I questioned if someone else could do a better job.)

That was eleven years ago.  God brought Zak into our home; and with Zak came autism.  God has used autism to teach me so many things! As a Christian, I know that nothing happens in my life by mistake; and God's grace is always available to me in every situation I encounter in life.    Because I know that God is sovereign I KNOW that autism is part of God’s plan for my life.  (If you could only know how long it took for me to be able to write that last sentence).  I know that this is exactly what God has for us; and I have learned so much!    

What I have learned from Autism

1.  Sleep and autism don’t exist together

It is beyond me how Zak can have the amount of energy he has with the little amount of sleep he gets.  It boggles my mind at just how much that child does NOT sleep.  When he was younger, he would spend his nighttime hours playing cars in the early hours of the morning; but the moment the sun was up Zak hit the ground with his feet running.  (Which leads me to the next thing autism showed me…)

2.  I have an amazing husband

When our older kids were little Rob could sleep through crying as if he had ear plugs in his ears. He just did not hear our babies when they cried.  That was “pre-Zak” days.  Somehow, something happened when we got Zak – Rob heard every move he made.  It was like they were connected together.  Zak and Rob have a special bond.  Rob often slept on the couch because of Zak.  Zak would wander thru the house at night; and there was such a fear that he might try to get out the front door without us hearing him.  Rob would take to the couch to help insure that he would hear Zak if he got up and tried to get out of the house.     There were many mornings I would come down to the living room to find the two of them snuggled on the couch together. 

3.  The human body is one of God’s greatest masterpieces

Once we got the diagnosis of autism, I decided to learn all I could about the human brain. I wanted to understand how it all worked, and how Zak’s brain functioned in particular.   I learned more about the brain the first year after Zak’s autism diagnosis than I had ever learned in biology in high school!  As I studied the brain – I was amazed at the body that God had given us.  Even Zak’s brain – with all the issues - is an amazing creation of a powerful God.  God’s design of the human body is breathtaking.

4.  I am never alone

I have met a lot of people I would have never even known had it not been for autism.  Some of them have children who, like Zak, have autism.  Some have been therapist or doctors that have been a huge blessing to me as we work with Zak and his challenges.  Others have just been friends that have come along side of me when I felt overwhelmed with all the challenges.  Some have cried with me – or listened to me cry. Having a child with autism is not easy; but I am so thankful for the wonderful people who have helped me as we navigate through this journey. Autism has shown me that God never makes us go at it alone – He always brings us someone to walk with us.  Some days, it is a neighbor or a friend – and He is always with me; leading and guiding and encouraging me. I am never alone.

5.  Love is better than criticism

 In the past eleven years, I have had to walk out of church, stay home from church, and even leave a restaurant because of autism. I have seen critical eyes meet mine in disdain as they watch something they do not understand.   I have learned after many looks and even rude comments (and I have cringed when I think about how I was one of those people before Zak came) that a critical spirit towards others never helps the situation. Love helps far more than criticism.

6.  Parent the heart

There are times Zak does some really odd things.  There are even times when it appears that Zak is wrong – but because of his issues I realize that his actions were not intentional.  There is a fine line that has to be walked on here.  I cannot ignore the wrong behavior; but I cannot deal with him in the same way if he did not realize what he was doing was wrong.  Autism has taught me that I need to be ever mindful of the motives behind his actions.

7.   Have an open mind

Autism has shown me that I would do good to adhere to the old-timers advice:  “Never say never”.  Medication was something that I said I would never do; and it is now part of our lives. We also would have never thought we would send our children to public school; but Zak thrived in special education program at the school in our little Wisconsin town.  He had some of the most amazing teachers!  Coloring and drawing keeps Zak’s hands busy during church; but before we had Zak I would have never thought of allowing my kids to draw in church.   Time – outs (a parenting technique I despised) is very effective in taking Zak away from a volatile situation.  Autism has opened my mind to parenting in different ways than I ever thought I would.    

8.  I need God

There have been days that I have not been sure I could get through the entire day.  There have been moments of deep desperation.  Every single time God has been there.  I have found in Him all the strength I need for the task.  He has shown that He will give the strength to get through each day.  Autism has taught me how desperately I need God.  It has brought me to a point of complete weakness; and in that weakness I have found Him to be all I needed! 

9.   Selfishness needs to go

Several months after we got the diagnosis of autism with Zak I decided that what I needed to do was to pray and fast that God would heal Zak’s brain.  He could you know.   God could heal Zak of autism.   I began praying fervently; but then God started to show me the motive behind my prayers was not pure.  In my prayer time God started to show me that I wanted Zak to be healed of autism because I wanted my life to be easier.   It has been said, “Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”(Gary Thomas)   Autism has shown me that by nature I am a very selfish person! I cannot be the parent my son needs when I am selfish.  How I have begged God to give me His love and remove selfishness!

10. I can trust God

  

Autism creates so many unknowns.  God knows the future; I can trust that He loves Zak even more than I love Zak.  We take it step by step / day by day.  Some days the future looks pretty bleak – other times I am hopeful. I don’t have to worry about the future.  I just trust God for today.

11.  God has a plan for Zak

 Autism has made God real to Zak.  There are many times I have found Zak on his knees in his bedroom praying and asking God to help him because he is having a difficult day.  That is how Zak lives his life - depending upon a God who loves him. God loves Zak and has a purpose for his life

12. God is Powerful

The most powerful lesson I have learned from autism is that God is more powerful than any handicap and challenge we encounter in our lives.  As a Christian, I can trust my powerful God. There is nothing too hard for Him; and He seeks to lead me every step of the way.  It has showed me that I am handicapped too – but I have a God who delights to deliver and offers grace for every situation. God can make me into the parent that my son needs - as I surrender to Him.  God can help Zak as he goes through his days and navigates through life.  God is always there. 

Today is Autsim Awareness Day.  If you are a parent of a child with autism - God is there for you.  If you do not have a relationship with Him - I would love to tell you how you can know Him in a personal way.  I cannot imagine walking this road alone!  God has been the source of my strength on even the darkest days.  Please send me an email if you would like to know more about Him - and His desire to have a relationship with you! 

Thanks for stopping by.  I am so glad you did.
Blessings,
~Martie

Think Life

“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”  Psalm 19:14

Photo:  Rachel Spurgeon

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “As a man thinketh in his heart – so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)  We have all heard the saying, “You are what you eat”; but it is just as true, “You become what you think.”  Guarding our thought life is of utmost importance in our walk with Christ.

Because we live in a fallen world were sin abounds, there is plenty for us to think of that is not honoring to God.  We go through our lives every day and encounter people or life situations that can cause us to start thinking on things that will not bring glory to God.  There is plenty of negative things to think about on a daily basis.  We will walk through life and get hurt – it’s just how it works.  How I respond to hurt will determine if I become better or bitter.    Have you ever spent time with a person who is always negative?  Critical people turn into bitter people in time.  The Bible calls bitterness a root that springs up within us and hurts a lot of people. 

If we don’t want to get bitter, it is imperative that we guard our thought life.  There are so many good things to think about in life.  In fact, there are more good things to think about than there are bad!  The Bible says, “Where sin abounded – grace abounded MORE!”  

I know that I do not want to walk through life bitter.  I want my life to impact others for Christ and for the sake of the gospel.  Bitter people impact others; but it is never in a positive nature.   Bitterness is kept at bay when the thoughts that I have are acceptable to God.  The things I am dwelling on should be things that please the Lord.  Those who are bitter have established thought patterns where they are constantly reviewing past instances where they were hurt or where someone did them wrong.  Their lives become a mission of trying to get even with those whom they feel have hurt them.  Bitter people walk though life feeling like they are a victim. 

God has saved me from my sin, allowed me to be freed from the power of sin as I walk the Christian life and has given me the Holy Spirit and His power to live my life victoriously.  The Christian life is a life of Victory!  When our thoughts are centered on God and truth any situation we encounter in life can have a positive affect upon us.  Romans 8:28 give us assurance that we don't have to be a victim to the bad things we encounter in life.  Everything we encounter in life will result in our GOOD if we love God!  How positive is that?   

So what are some things that I can meditate upon in my heart that are acceptable to God in a world where I am often confronted with hurt or hurtful people?

AllPosters.com

1.  God is ALWAYS good.  

My God is a God of love.  He never does anything to me – always FOR my good.  I can trust that I serve a great God – even when I encounter difficulty.  Situations in life do not change the goodness of God.  God will ALWAYS love me and is always working for my good.  The Lord is MY shepherd… and He cares for me deeply.   From Him comes all I will ever need. 

Photo:  Rachel Spurgeon

2.  God Does Not Deal with Me in Anger

There are some who are quick to put a stamp on those going through difficult times as those who are under the wrath of God. God lovingly corrects His child; but He never deals with them in anger and wrath.  I can rest secure in the love of God and say with confidence that when trials come, God is walking beside me strengthening me through the trial – not judging me in anger and wrath. God allows trials to come and will use them in our lives to draw us closer to Him.  Never do I need to fear that God’s wrath and anger being poured out upon me.  I am His and He is mine.  Jesus Christ endured the wrath of God for me. What security this brings to me in times of difficulty.  Even in difficulty I never have to fear God's wrath - for He deals with me as His child and I am secure. 

3. Grace Abounds

One positive truth in the Bible is that Grace is always available.  Nothing that I have done is so bad that there is not grace available for that sin.  No situation I encounter as a Christian is too difficult that grace cannot be given.  I can always ask for grace and He gives more grace than I would ever need.  Mega Grace is available for me whenever I need it!  Experiencing God's grace to me enables me to show grace to others in their needs.  The bitter people that we come in contact with that seek to destroy us?  I can give them grace because God has given me grace.  The Holy Spirit will empower me with God's  love for difficult people.  I need only depend upon Him to do so. It's a miraculous work of God to encounter difficulties in life and to find more grace than I need to handle the situation.  Grace to love and forgive.  Grace to press on when strength fails and life is hard.  "He gives MORE grace...."  

4. He Blesses Me Abundantly Everyday

Psalm 68:19 says, “Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits…”  Every single day, no matter what bad I encounter in my day , God’s blessings are present.  If I look for them, I will find them.  One of the key things in working through depression is getting our minds to focus and think on all the good that we have been given from God.  The good things we have from God did not just happen on the day we got saved. Every single day He gives us blessings.  When I am dwelling on the blessings of God, negative thinking will stop and worshiping God will begin!  Have you counted your blessings today? 

5. All Will Be Made Right

Because we live in a fallen word there are injustices in this life.  Things happen in this life that we label, “Not fair!”  We have heard it said that, “Life is not fair”; and indeed that is correct.

Good people get cancer and die young.  That’s “not fair!”. 

Unborn babies, who have not choice in the matter, have selfish mothers who abuse drugs and alcohol while they are pregnant and pass onto their children neurological health defects that will forever handicap a child.  That’s “not fair!”. 

There are children growing up lonely and insecure because of parents that are not committed to their responsibilities as a parent.  That’s “not fair!” 

Photo:  Rachel Spurgeon

Someday all that is not fair in this life will be made right.  When going through a difficult trial that seems unfair, I can trust that someday it will all be made right.  Lies will be exposed and truth will be known.  Every knee will bow and all will surrender to God - the just ruler of all.  I can rest assured that it will happen.  Someday I will live in a perfect word – God will be there and I will worship Him and all will be right.  I look forward to that day.

These are truths I can meditate upon and rest in.  When I am focusing my thoughts on truth – the outcome will be a life of peace.  How sweet it is to pillow my head at night and know that there is nothing between me and God.  "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." (Isaiah 26:3)  What I think on is directly linked to how much peace I experience on a day to day basis.  When my mind is stayed on God - when I trust Him - I experience complete peace. 

We will become what we think.  Am I thinking truth and focusing on the beauty of the Christian life?  Or, am I choosing to allow my thoughts to be bitter and critical towards the difficulties I encounter in life?  It has been rightly said:  “Bitter people – hurt People”.  As for me, I want to build people.  My thoughts must be acceptable to God in order to have a positive influence upon those with whom I come in contact.  The words of my mouth, the meditation of my heart must be found acceptable to God in order to accomplish a life of edification of others. 

I trust you are guarding your thoughts.  Think truth.  Build lives.  Glorify God.

Thanks for stopping by.  I’m so glad you did!

Blessings,

~Martie