I have tried, in vain, to try to piece together where I was and what I was doing on the day he was born. I was busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, teaching kids, perhaps practicing piano or writing; and at the very same time miles away from where I lived a little baby boy (my son) was taking his first breath. A little boy that would change my life - started his life without me.
How much did he weigh? What was his apgar score?
Was he born in a hospital or at home?
Seconds after he was born did he cry loudly or softly? Did he cry at all?
Did someone hold him in their arms? Was anyone awestruck when looking at his little face and hands that life is precious and beautiful?
Did he feel loved and cherished or alone and helpless?
All these questions will remain unanswered on this earth.
I don't know all the little details surrounding the moments and hours after he took his first breath; but I know that God was there. God heard his first cries and was mesmerized by this one so little and tiny; because God had a plan for his life. The all loving God of the universe watched him as he slept and loved him. I have no doubt in my mind that God's protection surrounded him as a baby; and while I was just going through the everyday routine of my day - God was keeping him safe for me, and preparing my heart for him.
I was so fearful when we started the adoption process that we would "end up" with a child that had debilitating issues because of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It was the one reason I was afraid to adopt. I begged God to make sure He protected us from getting a child with FAS. If there was one reason I would have not adopted it would have been that reason. I was also terrified of autism. I told God that I would trust that He would make sure that we did not have a child with autism.
I have learned that God does not keep us away from the things that scare us - He delivers us from our fears.
Zak has Autism, and FAS, and TS, and Celiac Disease - and perhaps the list will grow. I am not as afraid of those words as I was thirteen years ago. Sometimes, the uncertainty that comes with those words still scares me; but those words are teaching me just how big my God is. He has the power to cure autism and spare growing brains from the effects of alcohol; but sometimes He chooses to do something even bigger - He chooses to let us see that He is more powerful than these disabilities.
I have learned about my God through Zak's disabilities.
On the day Zak was born - God was preparing a beautiful gift for me. I have learned about faith through Zak. I have been given a beautiful gift from God in this boy. His eyelashes are still long and beautiful. I love his smile and when he laughs it envelops the entire house. But most of all, Zak is a boy who is in love with his God. He talks about Him all the time - and there is nothing God cannot do. I have watched Zak depend upon God to meet his needs and been challenged by his faith.
God delights to deliver us from our fears; not always by removing us or keeping us from the things that scare us; but by pouring out grace upon us as we live in dependence on God in the midst of our fears.
This week we celebrate his birthday - I cannot believe we have entered the teen years already! Happy Birthday, Zak. I am so glad God put you in our family! You are, without a doubt, God's gift to me. I love you!