Finding Normal

Just the other day I was driving home from taking James to do his chores for the farmer he works for, when I noticed that some of the leaves on the bushes that stand alongside of the country road were turning red.  I thought that odd that they were turning colors –already – in the middle of summer.  Then it hit me – that summer has just about ended and fall is ready to begin.

I keep forgetting that.

To me, it feels like summer has just started. 

I feel like I have lost the entire summer.

Taken Spring '14

In the spring Rob and I had been busy planning out our summer.  There was the camping trip that we were going to get in this year.  This would be the year that we would go camping all together as a family.  There were the hikes that we had planned up South Mountain.  Several weekends were set aside so  we could spend time as a family hiking and packing picnic lunches.  Then there was the trip to the ocean.  Together as a family we would see the water together and take it all in.  There was the garden we were going to plant and tomatoes that we would harvest come fall to can and have for the winter months.

Then we heard the word ‘CANCER’.

Life seemed to stop. 

My computer time was not looking through Pinterest to get ideas on how to pack the car, or awesome camping meals, or looking for pictures of the ocean.  I spent my times in front of the screen researching types of cancer and options for treatments.  Then there was the garden plot that was dug up fertilized and ready for the tomato plants that has turned out to be very fertile soil this year for a wide variety of weeds .  I look out my front window and some very healthy, hearty and thick garden of weeds growing in the garden area!

Instead of my summer unfolding the way we had planned, my summer has been divided up into segments:    waiting for a week to go by so we can get in to see the doctor for the appointment, waiting for the date for the biopsy, and another week for the results to get back. This has been the summer that I have waited.  Week by week – test by test – appointment by appointment - and without realizing it time was going by while I was waiting. 

Getting Ready to start First Grade!

With the cancer surgery behind us, life is starting to take on a normal feel.   The past few weeks I have felt completely and totally drained.  It has been hard to even put to words an explanation for my thoughts and feeling.  On one side I am overjoyed that Rob’s surgery turned out the way that it did and that we saw God work in a wonderful way; on the other hand I find my brain filing away all that has happened in the past several weeks and trying to find a new sense of balance and order in our everyday lives. 

This past weekend I came down with a cold.  God sometimes brings sickness to us to help us be able to have time to think and to rest.  I have rested – deeply rested (and it has been just what I needed).  I have had time to regroup myself emotionally and mentally.  On Sunday, I was still not feeling well and stayed home from church to rest and cough in private by myself; and not share my germs with the rest of the congregation.  The house was so quiet and it was wonderful to sit on the porch in my robe and PJ’s and just read my Bible and talk to the Lord.  Again, the Great Physician came and poured out His medication on my heart and soul and brought a real sense of balance to my thoughts.  It was wonderful!

So, I have wrapped my mind around the fact that summer has gone – and it has been one of the most eventful and growing summers we have had as a family.  Fall is here and with it the new school year needs to take shape and be planned out.  We will start next week – (Lord willing and the creek don’t rise).  I am busy getting our school schedules figured out. *** On a funny note, I took a few moments to take a quiz on Facebook to see how much of a control freak I am – and found that I passed that test with an “A” – if they were giving letter grades for the quiz scores.  Hmm, that explains the notebook that is being assembled for our new fall schedule containing detailed lists of all the rooms that will be cleaned, when they will be cleaned and how they will be cleaned.  It will also explain why the school schedule will be color coded for each child.   I am getting just a little bit excited to start school; and it is not because I like to control  organize things!  I was not sure if I would be able to find it in me to get enthusiastic about the new school year; but it has and is happening!  

Abbey treated me to a Manicure/ Pedicure and Sweet Frog Treat

It feels good to finally feel like we are getting back to a normal again. Yes, we still have Rob's radiation treatment coming up - and that will make things different again for a while; but life is starting to feel 'even'.   I have had time to look through Pinterest to figure out how to store the kid’s boots on the front porch, have looked up some homestead blogs that have brought about ideas that I would like to try with next year’s garden.  I had James order me some chickens and have been busy looking at coops and types of feed I will need – and picking out names for my girls.    Slowly, it is feeling good to getting back to living again.  

 God is so good! 

Hate vs Love

A few weeks ago we were on our biweekly library outing.  Now, when we go to the library – we GO to the library!  It is one of the highlights of my children’s day when I tell them it is library day.  Everywhere we have lived we have gotten to know the librarians at our local library. I am pretty sure that when the day comes for our children to get married - we will have wedding invitations addressed to librarians we have known through the years.

When we leave the library we are carrying a laundry basket full of books - lots and lots of books.  Most of which, we read during the two weeks we have them.  We have a requirement that the kids have to check out several books on different topics.  They have to get a biography, a science book, a geography or history book.  Now that Zak is reading well, he is required to check out at least five easy readers.

I had sent him over to the easy reader section and told him to sit down and pick out five books.  He would have been content to stay in the insect / animal section looking at books on dinosaurs;  or his most recent  subject of obsession since having a Labrador retriever in the country has increased his exposure to the despicable creatures – finding book on tics!  

It was while he was standing nearby looking at picture books to read aloud to the children when my eye noticed her.  She was well groomed, well dressed, but behaved badly.  She seemed to have the mindset that since she was richer, older and bigger than children she should be able to push any child out of the way to locate books for which she was intent on finding.  Zak happened to be looking for books in the exact same spot she wanted to look.  There were several shelves of easy reader books - but she was intent on looking in the exact location Zak was looking for the books.  She would push through and Zak would move over - only to have her decide that where he had moved to and was looking was the section she now needed to look through.  It went on for some time.    It was quite unbecoming and she was very rude.  Zak did not notice the belligerent behavior – or the dirty looks she kept giving him as he was trying to find his books and kept moving aside as she pushed her way through and made him physically move several different times. 

Zak did not notice.    

I did.  

Time past, Zak found his easy reader books, let the lady have all the shelves of easy readers to look at and headed back to the insect section of books.   I finished choosing the book I wanted to check out for before bedtime reading; and finally we were finished scavenging the shelves for books and it was time for us to go and check out.  When we got to the front counter with our arms loaded down with books I noticed that the well dressed lady was standing at the counter checking out a couple of easy reader books she had found.    She had been busy talking with a librarian behind the counter.  We stood there waiting behind – or rather beside her.  We were in no rush to leave – and we were waiting our turn.  As we waited, another librarian came up behind the counter and asked if she could help us check out.  The well dressed lady moved aside in a huff as Zak approached the counter with his armload of books.    The librarian that was helping us took a couple of the cases from audio books that we were going to check out and went back to the back room to retrieve the requested material.  We stood there -  waiting.

The lady beside me waited too.   She kept staring at me –or more accurately -  glaring at me.  I was amazed.  It also was one of those awkward moments – moment.  My eyes met her as she kept staring and glaring so I did what came natural – and I gave her a smile.  (I was wondering as I smiled what type of issue she had been diagnosed with and if she had taken the medication she had been prescribed for her condition that morning before she left for the library!) What happened next sent the hair on the back of my neck to attention.   As soon as I smiled at her she snarled at me – like showing teeth snarled at me. She then huffed, grunted at me then lifting her left leg high into the air she brought her foot down with great force and stomped on the floor.  .  I diverted my gaze away from her and prayed that the librarian would get back soon so this awkward moment could end! 

   

I was busy wondering what was wrong with her and was busy trying to evaluate if I needed to get the kids away from this crazy lady, that I did not even notice that Zak had been watching the whole thing.  He had seen the snarl, the huffing and the foot stomping. I was horrified when I heard Zak ask, “Is there something wrong?”

She ignored him.

 I did too.

He asked again, “Is there something wrong with you?  You look like something is really wrong.  Are you sick?”

I was ready to crawl under the counter – but there was not enough space.  His autistic mind was reading this situation completely wrong - he is far from fluent in body language.  I was horrified.    I went to hush Zak and tell him he needed to be quiet but before I could say anything she huffed right at Zak and stomped her foot again.  I think my eyes were the size of saucers.  I could not believe what I was seeing right before my eyes. 

As soon as her foot hit the ground Zak looked her right in the eyes and said, “Why do you keep doing that?  Why do you keep stomping your foot?” 

She finally spoke and while she did I could see the veins in her neck pulsating.  “I guess you all are more important than me!  You and your mom and little sister must have special privileges here!”  Her words dripped with disdain and hate.     She then crossed her arms in front of her crushing the easy reading books she was holding…   

Now, I know my eyes were huge.  “What was this lady’s problem?” was the question I kept repeating within my mind.

Nothing about Zak happens in slow motion  - everything happens at lightning speed.  I was horrified when I heard the question that I kept asking myself about the lady audibly leaving my sons lips. Zak  looked at her and said, “What IS the matter with you?”

I then tried to get to the counter so I could put the books that I was holding down and put my hand over his mouth and make him stop taking to the lady.  I also thought it would be a good idea to be in a position to stand between my son and the crazy lady!    As I stepped up to the counter I stopped just short of putting the books down when she started screaming.  

She was loud, bold, and belligerent:  “I WAS HERE FIRST AND THEY WAITED ON YOU BEFORE THEY WAITED ON ME!  I GUESS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT ME.  I GUESS YOU’RE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME!”

It became clear to me at that instant that what I was witnessing was not a crazy woman or someone with some sort of mental disorder, it was a full grown adult woman throwing a temper tantrum.  I was shocked; and once again I did not expect Zak to respond the way he did.

As soon as the words the woman had spoken registered in his brain he quickly bent forward and bowed to her (the way a piano student bows when they finish their piece at a piano recital).  While he was bowed low to the ground he took his hand and motioned for her to go in front of him. He stood slumped over for several seconds motioning repeatedly with his hands for her to proceed to the counter in front of him.   My mouth about fell to the floor.  I was speechless.

Then he stood up and looked her right in the eye and said, “ You are very important and you should go in front of us!  You were here first!”

Well, by this time several librarians hearing her shouting had come to find out what was going on and offer assistance.  It quickly became known that the librarian that had offered to help us – had assumed that another librarian (the one the lady was talking to just a few moment before) was helping the lady.  The librarian had come to help whoever was next in line   - and making the assumption that lady was being helped by the other coworker -  had offered to help us.  

With several librarians behind the counter now to help the lady – she was motioned up to the other side of the counter and they began to check out her books.  While she was waiting, Zak looked at her and said, “Every single person is special and important!”  

The transformation that took place right before my eyes was nothing short of miraculous!  I now, had to try to suppress my laughter.  Her angry face transformed into a face chiseled with lines of shame and embarrassment  – her hate had been met by kindness and love.    Zak then started talking to her like they were best of friends.   He asked her about the type of book she liked to read, told her about his dog and how his dog, Thor, gets tics, and how he wants to read all about tics so he can know how they get on his dog.  He asked her if she had a dog, if she liked dogs and told her that he was going to meet his Dad for lunch and invited her to come and have lunch with us and meet his Dad - (who, he informed her, is a very hard worker and loved him very much!)  His uninhibited conversation and kindness made her have to engage him.  When the librarian was finished checking her out (and while the our librarian was still busy checking out our stacks of books) Zak went over and patted her arm and said, “You are very very important!  Don’t ever think that I am more special than you.  God made you and that makes you very special! ”  

She sheepishly smiled and walked out of the library.  I smiled in my heart and let the lesson lodge deep within:   Love is a powerful force.  We love others when we are humble; and even the humility of a child can softened the hardest of hearts.  

Hatred and anger had met love.  

Love always wins!  

Always! 

One Week

A View of the Sunset from our front porch

It’s Friday.  One week until the scheduled surgery.  We have family coming down to be with us for the big day.  The house is being cleaned – and organized.  School books and work stations have been arranged for the upcoming school year.  Paperwork has been gone through; vehicles have been serviced and ready for the trips to Charlotte. 

We have been busy doing everything we know to build up Rob’s body and have it as strong as we can for the surgery.  The tumor is still there.  I have wanted to wake up – feel his neck and be able to declare, “It’s gone!”  That has not happened.  His weight continues to go down; loosing an average of 3-4 pounds a week.  Rob still is battling considerable fatigue and weakness at times.  It comes and goes.  He still has continued to go to work and carry on pretty much like normal despite how tired he feels physically.  (I have always been so thankful for a husband that is a hard worker!)

There is so much we do not know.  They are not sure the exact type of cancer we are dealing with (there has been several tests done and much debate between doctors on what we are looking at and what type of cells are causing the tumor).  We have found out that this is pretty common for thyroid cancer – a fact I did not know two months ago.  The doctor has called and told us that the bottom line is that we will not know what we are looking at until she is able to get him opened up.  She also told us that there is no way to know for sure how long the surgery will be – she gave a time frame of anywhere from an hour and a half to four and a half hours  - depending on what she finds.  There has been so much uncertainty.  There are so many questions that do not have answers. 

I will say this – and I hope it comes out right:  When they told us that we had to wait three plus weeks till they could get him into surgery – I thought that I would grow crazy with waiting!  However, these past weeks have been some of the sweetest days we have had as a couple and as a family.  God has been here – with us!  His presence has been so real.  Our focus has been adjusted and in the viewing – it has been amazing how different life looks!  We have sat around the table as a family and talked about Heaven, the millennial reign of Christ, salvation, sanctification and faith – not normal dinner time topics!    I   know this will sound odd – but I would not trade the last couple of weeks for all the money in the world.  The promises of God’s Word have been held close to my heart and the Holy Spirit has given indescribable peace and comfort. 

So, tomorrow – we will celebrate Rob’s birthday as a family.  He will be 48.  Then, next week we will start all the preparations needed to get him ready for surgery.  I will find myself amazed that we are ‘here’ at this time in our lives.  I am sure that I will spend time remembering the good times God has given us together; and I know I will continue to pray and ask God to give us 25 more years together!  There is still so much more that we want to do; so many things we feel God wants us to accomplish together as a couple!  So, I can assure you that I will pray and ask God for a miracle.  He still does them  - you know!   

A Lesson in Grace

I am amazed by grace. 

You see, I know me. 

I know who I can be… it is not always pretty.

I know what I am capable of… there is no sin I am not able to commit, to do, to participate in.

I know me.

I also know my weaknesses.

I know how desperately I want people to accept me; and how devastated I can be when they do not.

I know how insecure I can become.

I know hopelessness.  I have often been the cause of my own hopelessness.  Wrong decisions.  Wrong choices can lead there.

I know me. 

I know my past.  My failures.  My habits.  My shortcomings.  My  disobedience.  My sin.  My apathy.  My selfishness.

I know me; and it is not a pretty picture.

 I know how quickly I can justify myself, my sin, my wrong attitudes.

I know how quickly I can destroy the relationships in my life that I value; but lose sight of.

I know that in a moment I can cause pain and hurt to someone else.

I know me.

But then I am reminded of grace.  God’s grace.

I am reminded that He loves to redeem.  He delights to deliver.

I have a Redeemer who does not see me for who I am; but for who He is making me to be.

My Redeemer can take my weaknesses and make them strengths.

My Redeemer can take my insecurities and breathe into my heart the understanding of His acceptance for me; and in so doing I find that His acceptance is the only one I need.

My Redeemer forgets my past, accepts me in the present and guarantees me that if I allow Him to do His work in me the future will be a beautiful picture of grace.

Grace tells me that everything that I have done, everything that has ever happened to me, every person that has hurt me, every situation in life that has caused me pain will work out for good.  My good.

Grace tells me that I am not a failure, that my life has purpose and meaning, and that the future is not handcuffed by me – but is full of opportunities because of Him.

I think of grace and I am amazed.

Humbled.

In awe.

He redeems me from all the hurt, the pain, the insecurities.  He redeems me from myself; and calls me His own.

He delights in ME.  The God of the universe....

I want to know Him better than I know me.  

With eyes transfixed upon His grace for me I get up another day and live.  Truly live.

I am not a victim.  I am not a failure.

I am a child of the King.  He loves me.  He delights in me – and I am amazed!

Trust you are able to be amazed at Him as the Redeemer of your life.  Thanks for stopping by, I am so glad you did.

Blessings,

~Martie