A Word to the Broken

I went in to get our daughter up for the morning.   My life changed forever.  SIDS is a silent killer. 

 Fear seized my heart. 

I had to will myself to breathe.  And get dressed.  And sign papers. And walk out of an emergency room with empty arms.

I went to bed that night with the realization that I was not going to be happy for a very long time. 

My world came crashing into a thousand pieces beside a crib.  Perhaps yours did too.  Or maybe yours shattered when you found out about the cancer, or the affair, or the bank account, or the suicide, or the accident, or the crime. 

Worlds shatter when life doesn’t turn out the way we thought it would. 

Shattered worlds bring a pause to happiness.   

While I can go into my faith and my God and all the ways He has brought me to where I am today – that is not the purpose of this post.  

Since that day,  I’ve given birth to another baby, and heard the sound of a judge’s gavel finalize two adoptions. I have homeschooled, watched soccer games, taught piano lessons, and taken vacations.  I have documented firsts - teeth, steps and school.  I’ve held babies during immunizations, and Christmas plays, and kissed them goodnight. I’ve taken pictures of school recitations, violin recitals, and impromptu Saturday morning coffee dates.    I’ve looked through college catalogs, and kissed teenagers goodbye as they boarded planes and went on adventures.   I’ve played card games, and hide and seek, and texted questions like: “What time do you think you’ll be home? Or “Can you grab a gallon of milk while you’re there?”

Oh, and I’ve laughed.  From the very depths of my heart – I have laughed until I cried.

This post is for those of you who are surrounded by the shattered pieces of life wondering how – or even “if” - your life will go on.   While you may doubt it now, I can assure you that happiness will come again. 

Pain is part of the journey - so is happiness.  The two don’t usually coexist in the same situation - but they do in the same lifetime. 

Happiness and Pain.  It means we are living – and loving. 

In just a couple days, our son will say his vows and begin his own family.  God is adding to our family another daughter on the same weekend we said goodbye to our baby.  I’ll watch the bride and groom declare their love for each other and, most likely, will shed a tear (or two) during the ceremony.  I’ll celebrate with cupcakes and punch and wave goodbye as they drive away into the sunset.     

 If it were possible to go back in time, I’d go back to this weekend twenty-one years ago. To that first long night without her.   I would sit quietly beside my bed and gently rub my back as the gut wrenching sobs shook my body.  Then, I would lean in close and tell my younger self:  “Life is going to go on. You’re going to make it through this. You’re going to make wonderful memories with your children.  You’re going to be madly in love, and have a marriage some can only dream of.”   Then, I would whisper into my ear the answer to the question nagging my heart the most that night:  “Yes, you will be happy again.  Extremely happy.”   

The Dilemma

The sun was coming in the kitchen window and I had positioned my coffee cup to the chair next to the kitchen door.  I can see the bird feeder there – and the morning light shines just right.  The windows were open, the birds were singing and my bagel was toasting in the toaster oven.  There was still steam coming from my coffee cup on the table when she walked in.  Her hair was rumpled from a night of sleep and dreams and she still had that ‘just awakened’ look in her eyes.  (I love looking at my kids in the morning).

 She came up and hugged me tightly and I held her close to me for just a minute close.  The toaster dinged indicating the bagel was ready; and as soon as she heard it she asked me if she could eat breakfast with me.  “Just you and me?” she begged.   I told her she could with a nod and she quickly went to the refrigerator and got out a yogurt.

We sat at the table.  She was chatting away as we started our breakfast together.  My mind was drifting from watching the birds coming to the feeder to my plans for that day.  There was laundry that needed to be done, a blog post that needed to be written, school work that needed to be assigned and tomato plants that I needed to water.  I was busy planning; when I heard her statement:

“When I get older, I don’t want babies to come out of my tummy – I want to adopt lots and lots of babies.”

I stopped my agenda planning and looked at her.  My little adopted one sitting at the table talking about her plans for the future.  It just makes sense that she would want to adopt a baby – she understands adoption.  It’s part of her story. 

“That would be wonderful.  I would love to have lots and lots of adopted grand-babies…”  I told her and then started thinking some more about the day ahead of me. 

“Where do you get babies to adopt?”

“From adoption agencies,” I answer.

“Is that where you got me?”

“Kind of…”  I answer.  “We got your from the state foster care program; but they used and adoption agency for the adoption.”

“What are those children’s homes called for kids that don’t have parents anymore?” She quizzed.  Her yogurt eating had stopped; she was sitting on her knees waiting for my answer.

“Orphanages.”

“Where do you find that babies that are on the streets?”

My mind began to wrap around the fact that she was not just chatting with me over breakfast.  Something deeper was going on in her heart.  Normally this time of day I hear about her dreams from the night before or what she wants to do for the day; but ‘babies on the streets’?  Where did this come from?

I answered her as best I could, “That would probably be in other countries.  There are other countries where babies are left on the streets.”

She picked up my cell phone that was sitting beside my coffee cup and asked if I could show her pictures of the countries that have babies that are living on the streets.  “Where are they, Mom?  Can you show me a picture?”

I quickly racked my brain for how I would Google that?  I then remembered the story my friend told me about the child she found on the streets.  The little girl who had no one.   The little girl who found a missionary to be her Mommy.   I started telling her about my dear missionary friend. 

“Do you have her picture?” 

I pulled up Facebook and search her name.  I showed her my missionary friend and told her how her daughter is all grown up now and has started an orphanage for children who live on the streets just like she used to.  “Perhaps God will have you go to another country and start an orphanage for babies who are left on the streets.  Then you can tell the children about Jesus and how He loves them!” 

Her eyes opened wide, “China!  Do they have orphanages in China?”

“Yes, I am sure they do; but missionaries cannot go over to China.  It is against the government rules.   

Perhaps you should pray that God will make the government change its mind and allow missionaries to come and tell the children about Jesus.”

“Does the government ever go on vacation?  Then I could sneak in and start an orphanage and tell the children about Jesus.”  She stopped and thought for a moment, her look of hopefulness changed to despair.   

“But I don’t know how to talk to the children about Jesus in their words.”

“You could learn.”

“But it would be really really hard.  What if I couldn’t do it?”

I realized at that moment, that this was going to be the most important conversation I had all day long.  “Anna, if God wants you to go to another country and tell the children there about Jesus – He will help you learn to speak their words.”

“Where do you go to learn how to speak their words?”

“Language school.  Missionaries go to language school all the time.  They teach lots and lots of missionaries how to speak the languages of other countries so that they can tell people about Jesus.”

With the language barrier taken care of she continue talking, “So there are babies that live in the streets?”

“Yes.”

“But what if soldiers came and didn’t want me to tell the children about Jesus?”

 She was counting the cost.  It almost took my breath away.  How do you answer this – how do you explain this to a seven year old?  “There are lots of counties where the soldiers want you to come and help the babies that live in the streets – because they are good soldiers. They want the children there to be taken care of and know they are loved.”

“In China?”

“I don’t know about China.” I answer.

“Probably not in China,” she said contemplatively, “In China they don’t want missionaries.  You know that man and lady that got married and went to China?”

I knew to whom she was referring to because she has mentioned them before - many times before.  “Yes, John and Betty Stam.”

“They went to China to tell people about Jesus; and the soldiers came and cut off their heads.  They hid their baby from the soldiers.  They died when they went to tell people about Jesus.”

“Yes, but when they did they went right to Heaven.  Jesus took them right to Heaven.”

“What if go to help the babies in the streets and tell them about Jesus and the soldiers come and cut off my head?”  Our eyes locked and I could see tears in hers.

“You would go right to Heaven.” I looked her straight in the eye.  I refused to assure her that something like that would not happen.  It could.  It does.  Even as we were having breakfast there that morning – there are people somewhere in this world who are paying a price for the cause. 

“I don’t want my head to get cut off.”  She sat in silence for a few moments then she said, “But the children need someone to tell them about Jesus.”

She is seven.  I don’t know how old I was when I first counted the cost.    I am pretty sure I was not in first grade. 

If we claim the name of Christ then we must take time to count the cost.     

The dilemma:  The cross of Christ could cost us all we have on this earth (even our very lives) – but the children need someone to tell them about Jesus. 

The Rest of the Story

Rachel teaching Anna violin a few weeks ago

Several people have contacted me and asked how Anna is doing and how she got injured.  I have meant to post about it; but this past week has been very eventful and I just have not had the time to sit down and write.  Also, we needed time as a family to pull together and help the two who were deeply hurting through this whole ordeal.  We are so thankful for the difference a week can make!  God has been so good to us.

Last Wednesday, we were getting ready to leave for church.  I had just finished the dinner dishes in the kitchen when Anna came in and asked me if she could go out and get in the van because she was ready to go.  I remember looking right at her and wondering if I should have her stay inside because it was going to be a few minutes before Rob was ready to leave; but I told her that she could go and wait for Dad.   I can see her in my mind’s eye opening the door and telling me goodbye as she walked out the door.  (I was not going to be going to church because James had been into the doctor earlier that day and was sick, had just started his antibiotics and been in bed most of the day.  I would be staying home with him while Rob and the others went to church.)

Anna working on school work a couple of weeks ago

I came in and sat down on the couch and was talking to Rob as he was finishing getting ready.  He was straightening his tie in front of the bedroom mirror and I could see him through the doorway as we chatted about his day at work and just normal life stuff.  It was as we were talking that I heard the most horrific scream I have ever heard in my life.  It was Abbey and every decibel of her voice was laced with fear.  I jumped off the couch and I kept hearing her call for both me and Rob and she was screaming for us to come fast.  My feet could not run fast enough.  I knew something was really wrong.  I threw the front door open and remember it hitting the wall as I ran out.  The screams continued.  I was sure that the girls were being attacked by a vicious animal – I could hear the fear.  At the same time Rob was running out of the house right behind me; and Rachel in another area of the house was running through the kitchen grabbing a drying towel.  (She was sure that someone had been bitten by a poisonous snake.)

I rounded the side of the house to see Abbey laying over Anna, when she saw me coming she stood up and I saw that Abbey’s hand and arm were covered in blood.  I thought she had cut herself and went for her and then I heard Abbey telling me that it was Anna.   Abbey ran over towards the porch and knelt down on the ground sobbing and pounding the ground.  I picked Anna up and saw the blood spurting out of her head; I looked towards the woods to see what was around that would have caused her to get hurt.  It was then that I saw the baseball bat and my heart sank.  I felt a sadness that overwhelmed me.    I laid Anna on the back porch; Rachel came and knelt beside her and started compressing the wound and assessing the damage.  When she looked at the wound she could see the skull despite all the blood that was coming out; it was then that she looked at me and said, “We need an ambulance.  Call 911.” I rushed for my phone in the house and Rob grabbed as many kitchen towels as he could and ran to help Rachel on the back porch. 

When I got inside James was already on the phone with the 911 operator.  I took the phone and started talking to the dispatcher.  In the next 15 minutes we waited for help to get there.  Rachel monitored Anna’s pulse and Rob tried to talk to Anna to keep her calm.  I assigned James to stay with Abbey who continued to sob on the ground by the front porch.  It was as excruciating wait.  We contacted our Pastor and his wife to tell them what had happened and that we needed their prayers.  Anna’s pulse continued to drop with the blood loss; but she was still conscious and Rob kept telling her that she was going to be OK.  For a while there, we were not sure that was going to be the case.

I have never felt so torn as I did during those fifteen minutes.  On the back porch I had a little girl with a serious head injury; while on the front porch, I had another daughter who was overwhelmed with sorrow and kept repeating, “I didn’t see her.  I tried to stop the swing; but she came up behind me!”  I kept going back and forth to both daughters – my heart hurt for both of them!

After Anna was transported to the hospital thirty minutes away a CT scan revealed that she had a compressed fracture to the skull and would need specialized care at a Children’s hospital.  An ambulance was called for transport and we were told that she would most certainly need surgery to clean up the fracture.  I texted our Pastor the news and asked the church to pray.  (My text came in just as our church was breaking to pray during the midweek service.)  As we prepared to go to Children’s our church family was going before the throne of God on our behalf.  I believe that God answered their prayers and the peace of God that filled our hearts during this time was unexplainable and supernatural.  God is so good! 

When we got to Children’s they were waiting for the neurosurgeon to come and told us that we were looking at surgery in just a few hours.  We continued to pray and to sit and wait; but when the neurosurgeon came; he felt that since there was no signs of  swelling going on in the brain he was comfortable waiting through the night to see how she did.  Around three in the morning we were able to dim the lights to her room and rest a little.  Abbey sat by her bed and held her hand the entire night.  I prayed for both of my girls as I rested in the recliner next to Anna’s bed.  Through the night people from church would text me telling me that God had awakened them and prompted them to pray for us through the night.  One friend messaged me and told me she was going to spend the entire night in prayer for us on our behalf.  It was overwhelming and comforting to know that not only God was with us through this valley – our friends were walking right beside us in their prayers for our little girl.

After a lengthy wait, it was determined by a team of doctors that we were good to wait and not have to do surgery.  There was no swelling on the brain and there was no sign of damage to the brain.  We were so thankful!   Anna was sent home late that afternoon and we are continuing to monitor.  We go in for another CT scan to see if the skull has popped out and is in the proper place where it can heal together.  They have mentioned that if that does not happen after the swelling in the head goes down; they will need to go in a do a surgery to pull that little part out.  (Like a dent in a car is how they explained it.)  They are very confident that it will repair properly without surgery and we are praying to that end. 

As we look back on the events of last week; we find we have so much to be thankful for.  So many little blessings.  I just wanted to list a few of them; because once again we are in awe with how God works and realize that there are no coincidences in our lives.  Our Heavenly Father fine tunes the details and works all things for our good.  We, as His children are able to trace His fingerprints in our lives and see how He works all things for our good.   Here are some of  the blessings we have seen through this:

*Rachel was scheduled to be gone last week.  She was to be training for a mission’s trip she was planning on going on.  She found out a few weeks ago that her EMT training was not enough for the trip to Liberia and so she would not be going with the team overseas; and thus would not need training in Atlanta.  Thus, Rachel was home!  We were so thankful to have her there with us helping Anna with her EMT training.  God is so good.

Eating lunch on Thursday.  Chicken nuggets are her favorite! 

*Abbey had just covered in one of her classes in school how to handle an emergency when someone is hurt. God had given her the information she needed just days before.  She remembered from her class to try to help the person lie down so that they did not hurt themselves secondarily from falling after the injury.  She said that point came right to her mind the moment the bat hit Anna and somehow God allowed Abbey to catch Anna so that there were no other injuries from her falling or being thrown from the hit.  She fell into Abbey’s arms!    Abbey also remembered that her teacher had told them to never leave someone who was injured; but to call of help.  Abbey stayed with Anna until we got to them and compressed the head wound because of the training she had received in her class just days before.  Again, God is SO good!

*A neighbor was across the road and heard Abbey yelling for help.  He came running over and also was able to make a 911 call.  He also helped Rachel with Anna until help arrived from the ambulance team.  How thankful we were that even out here in the country there was help available to us and God allowed someone to hear Abbey’s screams for help.  What a blessing to have people who are willing to offer their assistance and help when needed! 

*Anna never lost consciousness.  This is a HUGE blessing.  

*Anna’s pulse was dropping lower and lower because of the blood loss.  Within minutes of people finding out from church that we were in need of prayer we saw Anna’s pulse come up and a calmness come over her.  She was so calm that when they got her into the ambulance and hooked her up to the heart monitors her heart rate was NORMAL and her blood pressure was NORMAL.  I am certain that God gave her a peace in her heart that kept her calm; and that this was in response to people praying for her at that very moment!

*Another thing I am so thankful for is that we live in a country where we have first responders.  How I offered my praise to the Lord when I heard the sirens approaching.  What a blessing!

*I am so thankful for my family. I watched as Zak went up and knelt beside Abbey and held her and patted her back telling her it was OK.  Even though his words were scrambled at times because of all the stimuli you could see his care and compassion for his hurting sister.  Not even Autism was powerful enough  to hide the love and concern he had for Abbey.   As I sat in the ambulance as they stabilized Anna and got us ready to head to the hospital, I watched as my kids made arrangements of who would come to the hospital.  James gave Rachel money out of his pocket in case there were expenses where we would need cash.  Zak was standing beside the side door of the Ambulance telling Anna that he was praying for her and Rob was rubbing his back and promising that he was stay with him.

*Normally Zak has a very hard time with traumatic events and we find that we have a huge set back after dramatic situations.  Zak has had NO issues because of this!  God gave His peace to more than just Anna!  Rob was able to stay with Zak who needed his Dad to be with him; and that helped him through this. How thankful I am for a husband who cares for his children.  Rob said he was so torn as to what to do because he so wanted to be with Anna.  How thankful I am for how tenderly Rob cares for Zak and his needs.  Truly there is a bond between Zak and Rob that is breathtaking.  I am blessed!

*Abbey has a verse of scripture that is texted to her phone every day.  As the doctor was telling us that Anna’s skull was fractured Abbey’s phone buzzed with her verse for that day.  It was this verse:  “The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.”   

Nahum 1:7.    I have prayed that this event will strengthen Abbey’s faith in the Lord.  She was telling me just yesterday how much that verse meant to her the moment it came and how she has clung to that verse in the past several days.  God uses ALL things for our good. 

Abbey sitting next to Anna through the night.  Perhaps one of the most precious pictures I have of these two.  One daughter resting soundly - the other daughter fervently praying. 

*When they were putting Anna in the ambulance to head to Charlotte I was able to sit right beside her.  As she lay there on the stretcher resting I watched the heart monitors and thy blinked and prayed to God.  I told the Lord she was His.  How thankful I am that God knows and understands the heart of a Mom.  While I gave her to the Lord and left her in His hands – I know He also understood the desire of my heart and did not fault me for that.  He knows I love her.  How thankful I am that He allowed us to keep her!  How thankful I am to know that if God had decided to take her home to Heaven that He would have given the grace to walk through that time also.  My God can be trusted with my heart and my treasures.  How thankful I am for a God that loves me!

Anna had a bit of a difficult morning on Thursday.  She looks so little in that big bed!

Thanks so much for all your prayers.  Now, you all know the ‘rest of the story’ – so to speak.  God is so good to us and I am so thankful for all He has done in this situation. The night we brought Anna home from the hospital we all gathered together as a family in the front room and thanked the Lord that He had allowed us to be together as a family again.  It was a sweet time as we reflected on how fast life can change.  One moment we were getting ready for church – the next moment one of us was hanging between life and death.  Cherish the days you have with your family – you never know what tomorrow can bring!

Painting a pumpkin in the Children's Hospital Rec room while they were observing her for brain swelling.  BTW, her hair was stiff like glue from all the blood.  We still had not been able to give her a shower yet at the time of this pic!  :)

I trust as you read this you have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  He brings peace through the difficulties of life; and the assurance that this life is not the end.  I know if Anna had not made it through this that she would have been ushered into the arms of Jesus; because she has placed her faith and dependence upon Jesus Christ.  I trust you have that assurance too; if you do not – I would love to talk with you about how you can know Christ and experience His salvation.  

Going in for her stitches to be taken out.  She was very scared; but she said,"it didn't hurt a bit!"  

Reading a book "All by herself" while waiting for the doctor to come in and take the stitches out.  God is so good!