His Chosen Path for Me

This week marks the anniversary of our daughter's home going. I wanted to take some time and remember.
I remember the ultrasound telling us we were having a girl and the sign on my hospital room door that read: It's Another Girl!. I remember thinking what it was going to be like for my husband to be in a family of all girls.

(July 1, 1997)

I remember her smile - her blue eyes so full of life. I remember ringlets of curls atop her head - curls with a hint of red that made me wonder if carrot top would ever become her nickname.

I remember doting sisters who tried to share sippy cups and pacifiers with her - an act of true endearment for toddlers and infants! I remember the amazement we felt when I found out that God had blessed us with yet another baby growing within me. I remember holding her - still so small herself, and feeding her - and realizing that another baby was growing inside of me. I remember wondering how I would ever manage four little ones.
(Our family Christmas picture - 1997)
I remember the family night God allowed us to have - where we giggled and played together. I remember her laugh as she watched her sisters get horsey rides on Daddy's back. I remember whispering in her ear that when she was bigger Daddy would give her a ride too! I remember how we took the girls' pictures that night by the Christmas tree - to send out with our Christmas letter - never knowing that this picture would accompany her memorial card 4 days later.

(Our Girls - December 12, 1997 - 8:00p.m.)

I remember the next morning when everything changed. I remember finding her - and calling my husband to come in quickly. I remember the 911 call; and the paramedics and police officers that arrived that morning. I remembered hoping that they would get her breathing again - but absolutely sure in my heart that she was "Safe in the Arms of Jesus" even as they worked. I remember hearing the phrase, "I am sorry, we have done everything we could..." and feeling my knees give out from underneath me.

I remember picking out the small box that would be the final bed for her little body and reminding myself that she was no longer there - but safe in the arms of Jesus.

I remember being surrounded by so many friends and love. Coming home without her - and finding our home filled with friends. A kitchen full of food - and house filled with even more care and concern than I thought was possible. Ah, how I remember the memories we shared that afternoon of the child allowed to stay with us for only a little while. I remember how everyone was worried that the baby within me would not make it due to the stress I was under. I remember everyone begging me to eat and to rest - even though I had no appetite and the tears flooded my pillow at night.

I remember her funeral. We were surrounded by friends, family, emergency workers. I remember that one so little had touched so many lives - and somehow death and life seemed easier to understand when looking at it from God's perspective. I remember praying with my husband as we stood alone at the grave site - asking God to give us grace and help us. I remember leaving the box there - and feeling how cold the winter air was - trying to remember that we were not leaving her - only her body - she was safe.

I remember the tears - so many tears. How vividly I remember God comforting me. I remember understanding that the path I had thought I would walk - was not to be. God had another path for me. It became my responsibility to surrender to His will for my life - for His path was best. Oh, how many times my will had to surrender to His!

I remember giving birth to my son - 6 months later - a week before her first birthday. I remember missing her so much and loving this new little one so uniquely - for through the tears that had been and were to come - God would make my heart to smile again.

I remember 7 years later - God allowing us to adopt our youngest son on Ally's birthday - and knowing that God adds and subtracts from our family as He sees fit. I remember the strong assurance I had that God's ways are best - and He truly does heal broken hearts!

On Thursday, it will have been 10 years. I look back and I remember. Those memories have brought back tears - but more than tears - the look back shows God's marvelous grace. I now have journey quite aways down this divinely chosen path - and yes, it was best for me. For I have had God minister to me in a way I would have never known down my chosen path. I have seen Him heal a broken heart - I have learned so much! His way was best for me!

For all of those who walked this path with us - who came and comforted us during this difficult time. SO many sent gifts our way to show their love and concern. Thank You! I went through her box the other day. I was surrounded once again by your love and concern. SO many cards, gifts and memories filled my mind as I looked through her things. The cards that were sent - we have kept each one. We will never forget her - but we will never forget the love from others that helped this path to be easier. Thank you!!

Allyssa Hope Spurgeon
July 1, 1997 - December 13, 1997
Waiting in Heaven.


Mimi said...

this is such a beautiful memorial for your little one.
I know the broken heart of losing a baby grandson as a stillborn,
and God does heal the broken heart.
He has led you down a wonderful path to two more beautiful children, and you are such a blessing to so many people...
God bless you...
You and your wonderful family have a beautiful Christmas!!

EdibleEducation said...

What a sweet little girl!

May the Lord continue to give you grace for the years ahead.

Shelli Hawkins said...

I can't pretend to imagine going through all this. I am thankful for a savior who comforts. I am thankful for the wonderful testimony of your children. I am thankful for your strength as my pastor's wife. I am thankful for your friendship.

I love you.

Kelly said...


I wish that I had the words to encompass all that I want to say to you - but there aren't any. I praise God for you, because you are truly His and truly one that He has purposed to shine His light on all the earth. Your steadfast faith and trust in Jesus is so powerful and inspiring. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl, and as a mother I grieve for that pain and wish that you didn't have to experience that. You are nothing less than amazing for receiving God's plans in such a grace-filled way and being a true beacon for others.

Jane, I know that the Lord is incredibly proud of who you are and gives thanks for you as much as you give praises to Him. :o)

Have an absolutely blessed and bright Christmas!

~ Kelly

Mom said...

Mom has sent you a link to a blog:

God never makes mistakes! you have used Alli's home going for His glory. I love how you've allowed God to work in your life and the blessing you are to everyone you come in contact with. Your a blessing to me and a wonderful mother and daughter. I LOVE you sweetheart! I remember with you. Love Mom

Our Red House said...

This post brought me to tears. You truly are an amazing and wonderful lady.

May God bless you and your sweet family.


Persuaded said...

Thanks so much for sharing the story of your precious daughter. Today is my birthday, and I am honored to lift your family in prayer...


As I walk down the pathway of your memories my heart felt like it was breaking yet there was always the Lord lifing you and giving you strength. He has always done this for me as I have had times that His way was not my way and by surrendered to His way, I found His way was best for me. We don't always understand but just accepting His will makes it so much easier, I believe. Your post was so touching and I thank you for sharing it with me and others. God bless and keep you and your memories of you little one. connie from Texas

Julie said...

What a beautiful post! Tears streamed down my face as I read. Thank you for sharing this and I pray that God will continue to comfort you and give you joy!

Daughter of the King said...

I too am at a loss for words...I appreciated this post because it is evident through all your grief ....you depended on the Lord..even probably when maybe you didn't feel like you were...and how life does go on, when we are HIS...and yielded to HIM....and for someone who has grief that is still relatively NEW...and more on the way with a brother with terminal brain cancer..this is a great testimony for me and I AM SURE..others....
What great reunions in Heaven one day.....even though it can be so rough sometimes down here...GOD is in control and indeed I am resting in Romans 8:28....
Your light sure does shine ....as a woman who loves the Lord, I am thankful for that.

Susan said...

I cried with you as you remembered your precious baby girl. I've never lost a child, so I can't say that I know how you feel. Throughout your post, I could see your trust for the Lord, and it is a great encouragement and lesson to me. Thank you for sharing your story!

Anonymous said...

I think of you and your family every year around this time. Several of the photos you posted are in a photo album, and I feel so honored to have them. I'll never forget getting that phone call while living over seas and feeling so helpless being so far away. You are such of source of inspiration with the way you and Rob have let Alli's life and death work together for good. Merry Christmas my friend!


nannykim said...

That was a very beautiful story; I am so thankful for God's mercy and grace and His ability to minster to us in the deepest way--for the hope of life eternal and for the blessing of his hope. I love this quote :"Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it now." May God continue to bless you.

Elise said...

I read this earlier today, and could not find the words, even to write, that would be sufficient. Even now, nothing comes.
She's beautiful. You are blessed. And He uses your words and your pain to minister to me.
Thank you, dear friend.

Becky K. said...

The tears are flowing..for your loss... and for the beauty of the grace of God that surrounds us in our time of need and bears us up. For the knowledge that this is not the end..but a brief separation before an eternity together in the presence of our Lord.

Thank you for letting your readers peek into your heart during this week.

Becky K.

Mrs. C said...

No dry eyes here, Jane. Your testimony of God's grace is such an encouragement. I'm sure that a day never goes by when you don't think of your precious little one waiting for you in heaven. Praise the Lord for the children He's added to your family over the years.
Mrs. C

Nettie said...

Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you experienced this great loss. Your ability to survive, by turning to the Lord for strength, must be a great example to all who know you.

May God bless you and your family with continued comfort...

Yellow Rose Arbor said...

I cried when I read this. You had such a beautiful way of writing the tribute to your adorable little one. Thank you for sharing it with all of us, we can learn so much from your words.


Growing Hearts in the Fishbowl said...

May God bless you and your family. Your post really touched my heart.

Dear Abbi said...

What a lovely, yet powerful testimony to God's amazing grace! Thank you for sharing it from your heart. What a blessing it was to me!

Walking by Faith said...

I can barely see the keyboard through my tears...I remember her sweet little self so well. I'm so thankful for the times I babysat her...she was the sweetest little peanut girl around! When I think of her, I always think of her big smile and that adorable pink hat! I'll never forget her funeral...hearing Jesus love me played...it was beautiful, just as she was, and so Christ honoring. I stand amazed at what God has done in your lives since...as just a teenager in the youth group when this happened to now having children of my own...your testimony speaks volumes to me, and I'm so thankful for your example. I love you!