Looking Back

Spring is here. The sun is shining and we are enjoying every. single. minute. of it!

Life has been busy here. Good busy. School work is getting finished up for the year. The close of year activities are surrounding us. There are more this year. Rachel is done with high school. Pictures to be taken. Announcements to be sent. Decisions to be made - open house or a family outing?

And I am here. Busy- but sad. (Or, is sad too drastic of a word for my emotions?)

It all went by so quickly.

My school days with her are over. All of them.

The chapter has closed; and the sound of it is deafening to my ears.

I wish I would have known it was going to happen so fast. Would I have changed anything?

If I had known it was going to end so soon would I have begrudged the grading, the time, the effort?

I just didn't know. My Dad told me how fast life goes by.

Is this how you felt, Dad, when you took me to college? Amazed at how quickly the years had flown. Did you sit and go over and over how it just seemed like yesterday that you brought me home from the hospital? Did you go over and over in your mind at how it was not that long ago I was toddling to you with arms outstretched.

I have thought of all of these things. How I thought it would take forever till she was done with school. Sometimes the forever seemed so far away. A distant reality that in my heart I guess I thought would never come to be. But, alas, here we are.

Did I do enough?

Did I teach enough?

Is she ready?

And I am left with feeling that I wish I could go back.

Not to change things that I should have done better - although, I would.

Not to add to things I should have taught - although, I would.

I wish I could go back because I LOVED being her Mommy. I loved watching her grow. I loved snuggling up every night on the couch and reading before bed. I LOVED watching her play on her swing set and waiting with her for Daddy to come home and push her. I LOVED watching her learn. To read. To write. To understand. I LOVED being with her. Every day.

And, I know - I will always be her Mom. I will still enjoy her as she grows. I know she will continue to learn. I will love watching her life grow into what God has for her. But I know, that there is a chapter that is closed. We have written this chapter.

With every birth comes a death. The birth of her adult life beginning comes a close to the childhood life she has completed. The Mom in me, while excited about the future is also sad that the chapter has closed - it just seems too soon.

1 comment:

Virginia said...

Oh, Martie, you've made me cry! Andy is at the end of 4th grade already- almost done with elementary school- and I think where did the time go? You have reminded me , though, to be thankful for the season I am in. To be patient and loving towards them so that I have no regrets when this part of the journey is over. Often I wonder, am I doing the right thing? And a still voice responds, yes.
Love~ Virginia