From SAHM to FTWM - Lessons Learned

It has been a year since I started working full time out of the home.  Getting a job outside of the home was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make.  Being a stay at home mom was all I had ever known; and to be honest with you – it was all that I thought I would ever know.  I had never really envisioned myself working outside the home.   When God opened up a spot for Zak in a special needs Christian school Rob and I began talking about me getting a job outside the home.  The thought of me being gone from the house all day terrified me; I couldn’t see how everything would get done if I was gone eight hours each day. 

This year has been filled with lots of learning curves; but it has been an exciting year as I have done something I have never done before.    Here are some things that I have learned this first year of being a working mom:

 

*I LOVE my job.  

I had no idea how much I would enjoy going to work and interacting and engaging with other people.  I love going to work and seeing my coworkers.  I love being part of the team where I work.  I love the challenges that I have at work that are different than I had at home; and I love getting a paycheck for the work I am doing.  I never imagined that I would love working outside the home as much as I do.

*Being a SAHM prepared me for being a FTWM

More than once in this past year I have found myself amazed at how things I did as a stay at home prepared me for working outside the home.  Time management, laundry organization, planning school work – all of that equipped me with the knowledge I needed to do a lot of the tasks I have been given this past year.    

*Teamwork Matters     

Whether I like to admit it or not, more than once I have played the martyr when it came to my roll as a SAHM.   Sometimes it was the laundry, meal planning or just housework – but there were a lot of times I just felt like I could not get it all done.  However, I was reluctant to accept help or accepted it with guilt because the affairs of the house were my “job” and when I wasn’t able to get them all done I felt like I was failing.   This year I have learned (at it took a while for me to get this one) that my husband and I are a team.   He helps me when I have a lot on my plate – just like I try to help him when he has a lot on his.  It just makes for a happier home when everyone is working as a team; but that leads to another lesson I have had to learn:

*It doesn’t have to be done my way

Ouch!  This one has hurt.   Sometimes the reason I didn’t want the help was because I wanted things done exactly how I wanted it.   While order and details are important sometimes it is just better to allow others to do it their way for the sake of getting it done.  By far this was the hardest lesson for me – but the one that has brought the most peace to our everyday life. 

*I love Family Time

When I was a SAHM and homeschooling I was with my kids all the time.  Don’t get me wrong – I am thankful that I was able to be home and spend so much time with my kids while they were growing.   I consider it a huge blessing.   This year my time has been divided with home and work; and I have found that when I am home with my family I really focus on them and enjoy being home.  I value it more than I did as a SAHM.  I also have found myself doing away with distractions when I am at home in the evenings and on weekends.  I want to be 100% there with them when I am there with them. 

*If Your Mindset is Wrong – Change

Another ouch.   In the stay at home mom world and the homeschooling world there can be on overarching mindset that working outside the home is WRONG.  The hardest part about me working outside the home was having to evaluate if I believed that it was wrong for me to be employed outside of the home.    As I prayed about it and evaluated it I had accept that some philosophies that I had accepted through the years were not completely biblical.  The Bible clearly teaches that the first roll of the wife is to care and oversee for the needs of her household.  That has been and always will be my first and highest calling.  It is not my only calling.   Once I evaluated this and humbled myself to what the scripture teaches (and not what other people’s opinions were) there was such freedom to fully embrace this next chapter of our lives. 

What a year it has been!  Overall I have learned that a Mom does what needs to be done to meet the needs for her family and her children.  Zak has thrived in his new school; and Anna has blossomed at hers.  I have enjoyed watching God unfold His plan for us in this new adventure.   It’s neat to know that my time as a SAHM was part of God’s plan for my life and for my children and that this new chapter of our lives is a part of God’s plan for us and for our children’s future.  How blessed I have been to have been able to experience both! 

I trust that you are content and thriving at the place God has you in your time of life right now; and know that God is always growing us and preparing us for what is coming up ahead.   No stage of life last forever.  Take in all God has for you now – and be ever learning for what He has for you in the future. 

Thanks for stopping by.  I’m so glad you did!

Blessings,
~Martie

The 12 Lessons I Have Learned from Autism

From the day we got married we had talked about wanting to adopt.  The time had finally come we had received our license as foster parents.    We were so excited when we got the call that they had a little boy to place into our home.  He was placed in our home as a foster child with the hope that we would be able to adopt him eventually.

Zak had only been in our home for a few days when it became obvious that there were some serious issues- a lot of serious issues.   We also were in madly in love with this little guy.  His laugh was contagious; and his eyelashes were the most beautiful eyelashes I had ever seen.  The day to day life became hard; the nights were terribly long and filled with many tears (his and mine).    

 We picked up Zak from the receiving home and drove right to our pediatrician’s office.  I had no idea on the day we brought him home just how much of my days would be filled with doctor’s visits and specialist evaluations.  There were countless sleepless nights and we found out that babies can cry for an entire night; minute after minute – hour after hour!  Then there was the day time hours filled with rocking on the couch.  The repetitive noises replaced the music in our house and Zak’s days were spent  lining up one matchbox car after another.  Family meal times were filled with texture issues and more odd noises.   Evening bath-time (that used to be a happy time of bubbles and playing before Zak came) turned into a full - fledged screaming session that made me wonder what in the world the neighbors would think if they heard him – and they HAD to have been able to hear him.  It was horrible.    

Then, we got the diagnosis.  It was the first of many - AUTISM.  When I left the neurologist office I was speechless at what he had said.  He had given me the diagnosis; and then informed me that children like Zak are a lot of work.  A LOT!  He recommended that we give him back to the state.  He reasoned that he was ONLY a foster care child – and not ours.  (Did I mention before that we had fallen in love with this little guy?)  Sending him back was out of the question.  (Well, in full dis-closer here – there have been times when I questioned if someone else could do a better job.)

That was eleven years ago.  God brought Zak into our home; and with Zak came autism.  God has used autism to teach me so many things! As a Christian, I know that nothing happens in my life by mistake; and God's grace is always available to me in every situation I encounter in life.    Because I know that God is sovereign I KNOW that autism is part of God’s plan for my life.  (If you could only know how long it took for me to be able to write that last sentence).  I know that this is exactly what God has for us; and I have learned so much!    

What I have learned from Autism

1.  Sleep and autism don’t exist together

It is beyond me how Zak can have the amount of energy he has with the little amount of sleep he gets.  It boggles my mind at just how much that child does NOT sleep.  When he was younger, he would spend his nighttime hours playing cars in the early hours of the morning; but the moment the sun was up Zak hit the ground with his feet running.  (Which leads me to the next thing autism showed me…)

2.  I have an amazing husband

When our older kids were little Rob could sleep through crying as if he had ear plugs in his ears. He just did not hear our babies when they cried.  That was “pre-Zak” days.  Somehow, something happened when we got Zak – Rob heard every move he made.  It was like they were connected together.  Zak and Rob have a special bond.  Rob often slept on the couch because of Zak.  Zak would wander thru the house at night; and there was such a fear that he might try to get out the front door without us hearing him.  Rob would take to the couch to help insure that he would hear Zak if he got up and tried to get out of the house.     There were many mornings I would come down to the living room to find the two of them snuggled on the couch together. 

3.  The human body is one of God’s greatest masterpieces

Once we got the diagnosis of autism, I decided to learn all I could about the human brain. I wanted to understand how it all worked, and how Zak’s brain functioned in particular.   I learned more about the brain the first year after Zak’s autism diagnosis than I had ever learned in biology in high school!  As I studied the brain – I was amazed at the body that God had given us.  Even Zak’s brain – with all the issues - is an amazing creation of a powerful God.  God’s design of the human body is breathtaking.

4.  I am never alone

I have met a lot of people I would have never even known had it not been for autism.  Some of them have children who, like Zak, have autism.  Some have been therapist or doctors that have been a huge blessing to me as we work with Zak and his challenges.  Others have just been friends that have come along side of me when I felt overwhelmed with all the challenges.  Some have cried with me – or listened to me cry. Having a child with autism is not easy; but I am so thankful for the wonderful people who have helped me as we navigate through this journey. Autism has shown me that God never makes us go at it alone – He always brings us someone to walk with us.  Some days, it is a neighbor or a friend – and He is always with me; leading and guiding and encouraging me. I am never alone.

5.  Love is better than criticism

 In the past eleven years, I have had to walk out of church, stay home from church, and even leave a restaurant because of autism. I have seen critical eyes meet mine in disdain as they watch something they do not understand.   I have learned after many looks and even rude comments (and I have cringed when I think about how I was one of those people before Zak came) that a critical spirit towards others never helps the situation. Love helps far more than criticism.

6.  Parent the heart

There are times Zak does some really odd things.  There are even times when it appears that Zak is wrong – but because of his issues I realize that his actions were not intentional.  There is a fine line that has to be walked on here.  I cannot ignore the wrong behavior; but I cannot deal with him in the same way if he did not realize what he was doing was wrong.  Autism has taught me that I need to be ever mindful of the motives behind his actions.

7.   Have an open mind

Autism has shown me that I would do good to adhere to the old-timers advice:  “Never say never”.  Medication was something that I said I would never do; and it is now part of our lives. We also would have never thought we would send our children to public school; but Zak thrived in special education program at the school in our little Wisconsin town.  He had some of the most amazing teachers!  Coloring and drawing keeps Zak’s hands busy during church; but before we had Zak I would have never thought of allowing my kids to draw in church.   Time – outs (a parenting technique I despised) is very effective in taking Zak away from a volatile situation.  Autism has opened my mind to parenting in different ways than I ever thought I would.    

8.  I need God

There have been days that I have not been sure I could get through the entire day.  There have been moments of deep desperation.  Every single time God has been there.  I have found in Him all the strength I need for the task.  He has shown that He will give the strength to get through each day.  Autism has taught me how desperately I need God.  It has brought me to a point of complete weakness; and in that weakness I have found Him to be all I needed! 

9.   Selfishness needs to go

Several months after we got the diagnosis of autism with Zak I decided that what I needed to do was to pray and fast that God would heal Zak’s brain.  He could you know.   God could heal Zak of autism.   I began praying fervently; but then God started to show me the motive behind my prayers was not pure.  In my prayer time God started to show me that I wanted Zak to be healed of autism because I wanted my life to be easier.   It has been said, “Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”(Gary Thomas)   Autism has shown me that by nature I am a very selfish person! I cannot be the parent my son needs when I am selfish.  How I have begged God to give me His love and remove selfishness!

10. I can trust God

  

Autism creates so many unknowns.  God knows the future; I can trust that He loves Zak even more than I love Zak.  We take it step by step / day by day.  Some days the future looks pretty bleak – other times I am hopeful. I don’t have to worry about the future.  I just trust God for today.

11.  God has a plan for Zak

 Autism has made God real to Zak.  There are many times I have found Zak on his knees in his bedroom praying and asking God to help him because he is having a difficult day.  That is how Zak lives his life - depending upon a God who loves him. God loves Zak and has a purpose for his life

12. God is Powerful

The most powerful lesson I have learned from autism is that God is more powerful than any handicap and challenge we encounter in our lives.  As a Christian, I can trust my powerful God. There is nothing too hard for Him; and He seeks to lead me every step of the way.  It has showed me that I am handicapped too – but I have a God who delights to deliver and offers grace for every situation. God can make me into the parent that my son needs - as I surrender to Him.  God can help Zak as he goes through his days and navigates through life.  God is always there. 

Today is Autsim Awareness Day.  If you are a parent of a child with autism - God is there for you.  If you do not have a relationship with Him - I would love to tell you how you can know Him in a personal way.  I cannot imagine walking this road alone!  God has been the source of my strength on even the darkest days.  Please send me an email if you would like to know more about Him - and His desire to have a relationship with you! 

Thanks for stopping by.  I am so glad you did.
Blessings,
~Martie

The Label

The tics are more pronounced than normal.  Perhaps it is the stressful week we have had.  Perhaps it is the special meetings that have caused the bedtimes to be put back an couple hours.  Perhaps… then I remember the doctor told me:  “They will come and go; and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the cycle.”

I have tried to heed the doctor’s advice given to me years ago when she wrote the words - Tourette Syndrome -  on the line following the word ‘diagnosis’.  

Another label.  

The list gets longer.  

Some days it is easy to forget the words on the diagnosis line; but most days it is not.  This day – it’s impossible.   By the end of the day, I am sure it will becoming a day that is marked by the diagnosis.  Like a big fat red X marked on a calendar date.  TOURETTES DAY.

I repeat the next spelling word for the test.   

His eyes blink - four times.   

His jaw opens wide and clicks - three times.   

His head twists to touch his shoulder – two times.   

Then, and only then, he writes the word. 

They call them tics – those repetitions that *just* happen (like tremors that afflict the elderly man battling Parkinson’s). 

I try to ignore them.  It’s hard.   They say it is harder on those watching than on those with the debilitating diagnosis.    I’m not sure I agree with that statement.

I get ready to say the next spelling word; but before I start, he looks up at me and with tears filling his eyes; but not yet spilling over, “Why did God give me Tourrettes?”    His big green eyes look deep into my soul and emotionally he is screaming for an answer. 

I start to talk – to try again to answer his question.  He has asked it before.   Sometimes he finishes the question with the word ‘Autism’ or ‘Celiac’; but today the last word is ‘Tourettes’.    

Regardless of the word change – it’s still the same question. 

 I open my mouth to answer and he quickly changes his question.  (He’s heard my answer before)

“Why did God, allow me to have Tourettes?”   He struggles to get the word 'allow' out of his mouth.  (Like it is a word that is hard for his tongue to master it’s articulation).  He finishes his question with a statement I am not sure his whole heart has embraced, “I know God didn’t GIVE me Tourettes…” 

I’m sitting there spell bound.  (I always am when this question comes up).  Amazed that one so young is asking the question that took me years to formulate in my mind.  The one I was afraid to ask.  I got stuck on that question – even as a ‘grown up’ Christian. I’ve talked to a lot of grownups that are still asking that question.   

For me the words to the question ended a little differently; but it was the same question:  

“Why did God let my baby die?”

Others have asked that question to me about God. 

“Why did God let my husband leave me?”  

 “Why did God let my family disown me?”  

 “Why did God let that Pastor fall and betray my trust?”  

 “Why did God make me have cancer?”

 Same question.    

I’m spellbound; not because I do not know the answer to the question – but at the awesomeness that one so young is asking a question so deeply profound.  Could it be that Tourrettes or Autism or Celiac will be avenues that will BUILD his faith in God?  I can’t help but think how strong his faith will be when he reaches the age that I was when I finally was able to articulate my question about God.   It is at that moment when I start to see the words on the line as more than a diagnosis.  Could they actually be words of blessing?   Words marking opportunities?   

Within a label there is always weakness. 

We all have labels. 

Could it be the labels that we have are really blessings in disguise?  

For Zak it is:  Autism, FAS, Tourette Syndrome, ADHD, Celiac Disease, Hearing Impaired.   

For me it was 'Bereaved' and 'Depressed'.  

For others it is ‘Widowed’ or ‘Cancer Patient’ or ‘Disowned’.   

All the words label us with weakness.

Could these diagnoses – these labels -actually be words of HOPE?

When we view them as avenues where God can show Himself strong the limits of the labels cease and are replaced with HOPE.  Isn’t that what the Bible tells us?  That when we are weak – HE is stronger than our weakness?   

God is stronger than autism or bereavement or of abandonment.    

In the very clutches of what weakens us; we are given the opportunity to see just HOW much stronger God is than that label that limits us. 

I try to formulate the words in my mind before I speak them to Zak.  I don’t want to build up false hope – or to take away from the strength of the lesson that can be learned from the answer to the question being asked.  The lesson is simple:  Everything can point us to God.  Everything!  When I focus on myself, my weakness, my hurt, my loneliness  - I despair; but when I allow those things to guide my eyes to how much bigger my God is than the things that afflict me, my afflictions then become magnifying glasses to how great God is!

I want Tourettes to point him to how great God is. 

I want autism to point him to how powerful God is.

 

I found through my bereavement how strong His embrace was to me when I ran to Him in need of comfort  

    and healing. 

The abandoned and hurt can see through the tears the God who NEVER leaves, NEVER hurts,  and 

    NEVER is selfish. 

Everything can point us to God.  Everything.

I find a voice amid my barrage of theological thoughts.   “God did not GIVE you tourettes, Zak. He allowed it.  He could have stopped it and made sure you did not have autism or tourettes; but He chose not to; because He wants you to depend upon Him and because He is going to use this in your life for some purpose.”  I  then quote Romans 8:28; and he nods his head as he listens to verse (I have quoted it to him many times before). 

 I have found that I don’t need God to rescue me out of my problems and take them away as much as I need to allow my labels to  point me to the greatness of God.   

 In so doing, He rescues me from MYSELF. 

I finish quoting the verse and Zak sniffles, and wipes the tears away from his cheeks.  His long eyelashes are still wet from the tears; but he speaks, 

“Maybe someday I will be able to help a boy with Tourettes.”

“Maybe,"  I say. 

“Or maybe someday I will be able to tell people about Jesus because I have autism.”

 I nod and try to keep the tears from coming into my eyes.  “Should we pray and ask God to help you with your tics today?”   

He nods and we pray.  I don’t pray that God will take the tics away.  I thank God for giving Zak to me and allowing me to be his Mom.  (How much I have learned from this little boy!) I thank God for allowing Zak to have tics so he can have opportunities to trust in God to help him.   I ask God to use Zak to point people to Jesus.

I hand him a tissue and then we continue the test. 

I say the next spelling word .  

His eyes blink - four times.  

His jaw opens wide and clicks - three times. 

His head twists to touch his shoulder  - two times.  

Then he writes the spelling word on his paper.  

When he finishes writing, he looks up me and smiles.  I smile back; and we continue with school.

He passed the test with a 100%.  

He also got a 100% on the Spelling test!