I was married young; and when you’re young in age you view
things more passionately. I am positively
convinced as I look back on my thoughts when I was first married – or when I
view my oldest - just starting out her
adult life – that the young adults do not just live life – they feel life.
I felt life when I was first married. I remember on our
honeymoon feeling my cheeks actually ache from smiling so much. I was so happy. I was so happy to be married
to my best friend – happy to have someone to laugh with – and to have promised
my whole life to – forever. I was
feeling life.
One of the new experiences that I loved was sitting next to
my new husband in church. I would love
it when he would put his arm around my shoulder during the service. I would feel his hand on my arm – smell his
cologne and I felt like right about at that moment I was the happiest girl in
the auditorium! I loved how he would
grab my hand while we were singing congregational songs, or how he would put
his hand on my back as I got into the car.
Every touch was a new experience.
As a new bride, I would look at the older married couples
and watch as they would sit next to each other in church. Some never even held hands. Some never even acknowledged one another. I wondered how that could be. I remember promising myself that I would
never grow tired of him touching me. I
would always enjoy feeling his arm around my shoulder or him grabbing my hand
as we bowed our heads in prayer. I vowed
that I would NEVER take it for granted.
I was young.
We are now one of the older married couples in the
church. We have been in that category
for some time now. My Sunday mornings
are filled with making sure the little’s have gone to the restroom before the
service starts, the older kids are sitting where they are supposed to be
sitting and I am in my place in choir when I need to be. My time is busy making sure that all the kids HAVE their
Bibles with them and writing notes to myself on which child I need to talk to
that afternoon about not having her Bible – or chewing gum inappropriately – or… the list goes on. I am the Mom checking the hearing aid of her
son – and wondering why he is talking so loud and if the people behind us
cringe when they see us come and sit in our pew. I am the church member doing a quick check of
the bulletin to see if I have nursery that morning – because the last time I
had it – I forgot and someone had to take my place. !Horror!
That is my Sunday morning.
There are some Sunday mornings I am so busy with all of the
other things that I hardly even notice when he takes my hand as we bow for
prayer. I don’t take in the smell of his
cologne as he puts his hand over my shoulder – and he can’t pull me close
anymore – because I am bending over one of my children telling her that she
needs to stop talking in church. (She
talks ALL the time – ahh!)
When I was first married and a new bride I would stand by
the window and wait Rob to come home. I
would open the door and greet him with a kiss and tell him that I was glad to
see him. We would hold hands as we
prayed at dinner time, and we did dishes together. My life revolved around his and I loved it
that way. Then the kids came. There was dinner burning on the stove top and
a baby crying in her swing – I did not
greet him at the door as often as I had before.
Now there are kids in the driveway yelling for Dad to watch the new
trick that they have been practicing on their bike. They wait for him now – and I try to get the
table set so we can get dinner dishes done before it gets too late. I call them in and tell them to hurry up and
get washed up before dinner gets cold. I
peck him on the cheek and ask him about his day - not waiting for his response because
I have to get that bread out of the oven.
It’s our everyday life.
Until cancer.
We left the office where we heard the news and as we were walking
out to the car – I grabbed his hand in mine; and for the first time in years I
FELT his hand. I felt how strong it felt
and how easily it fit within mine.
Since we heard the word cancer – I have felt every single touch. Every day he comes home from work I listen
and take it all in. I listen to his
voice as he talks to the kids; and I close my eyes and take it in. I take dinner off the stove – no need to keep
cooking – he’s home and there is another chance for me to kiss him and tell him
that I’m glad he’s home. He wraps me in
his arms tightly and we stand there – me with my head on his shoulder – him with
his head resting on the top of mine. We
pause and take in each other.
Cancer has made me realize anew just how precious life
is. Every touch, every look , every
homecoming.
Life is more precious since
we heard the word cancer.
We have watched more sunsets since the diagnosis. We have held hands together more. It’s funny – we will be sitting on the couch
together reading books – Rob on his end of the couch – me on mine; and as we
sit there he reaches over to the center of the couch and I reach over too. We hold hands as we read – him in his world,
me in mine; but connected to each other by touch.
I sit next to him in church on Sunday and feel his arm
around my shoulder. I really feel it – I feel drawn into his side – and I take
it in. I close my eyes and breathe a prayer of thanks
to God for another week – another Sunday; and I petition Him to give me many
more.
Ann Voskamp put it this way:
“When you wake to losing someone, you win love. When you realize that what you have you will
lose, you win real eyes, you win
grateful joy.” And while I don’t know if
I “will” lose Rob to cancer – I know that I could – and that has opened my eyes
to a whole new paradigm of life.
Cancer lives within his body and everyday it is evident to
me that he is sick; and while cancer is destroying cells inside of him – and possibly
spreading to other places in his body it has grown our love for each other.
Cancer has made us realize just how wonderful
our life really is. Cancer has made us
put aside the petty and focus on the important.
The importance of being together, holding hands, listening to the kids
tell us about their days. Cancer has
given us a rare look at what matters in our life.
For that I am extremely grateful!
